“Baby Reviews for Parents Magazine”

A McSweeney's reject!

I used to write baby reviews for Parents Magazine. It seems like a lifetime ago. They lasted for six months before the letters from the first installments came in and they discontinued the feature. I would travel with a photographer to the homes of families with newborns, and I'd spend some time with the babies, taking notes, observing their behavior, interviewing the parents. Sometimes we'd have to stay in the home for several days before we had enough raw data to create a thorough review. For their cooperation, the parents received gift certificates for Baby Barn and certificates for dinners for two at Beef Barn.

This is one of the earliest entries, nearly fifteen years ago.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, July 2007.
Robbie Donald Miller, Sandusky, Ohio
Parents Lister and Roberta Miller
Born December 11, 2007

If there is anything worse than being presented with a terrible baby, it's being presented with a terrible baby by earnest new parents who have no idea just how awful a child it is they are offering to you.

At first glance, young Robbie seems to be a more than acceptable offering in our baby derby. With a well-shaped head, an acceptable amount of peach fuzz covering his scalp, and the preferred five digits at the ends of each of his four unremarkable limbs, Robbie could easily pass for one of the better infants on the circuit today. It's only upon further examination that we see that there is a lot of room for improvement.

Almost immediately, I see that Robbie's wrists are too thin for his red, rubbery hands. His mouth, asymmetrical and rather lippy for his size, lolls open and drifts closed without reason or intent. Further, his adult-scale ears stand out at a perfect right angle from his skull. All the better to hear his own constant farting and mumbling, I suppose. I stole a quick glance at the father and I instantly realized where little Robbie found his candle wax drip of a chin. His mother isn't blameless, either. His Keane-like pleading eyes, wet in their searching newness, could have come from no one else. The two of them looking at one another as Robbie squirmed in his crib brought to mind a tall ostrich looking down on its own reflection and learning for the first time that it wasn't a swan.

Robbie: Three out of 10 Binkies.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, February 2007.
Darla Moxie Davidson, Portland, Oregon
Parents George Davidson and Linda Rollins-Davidson
Born November 13, 2006

First a word about the onesie. I usually confine my comments to matters behavioral and genetic, but the garish pink and orange of this pilled, fleece costume demands my attention. The Pepto-Bismol meets creamsicle color scheme seemed to have been designed by a psychologist to ensure fitful sleep and lingering night terrors. It brought to mind nothing so much as an infant rodeo clown.

On to the little lady in question. Darla is a large-headed baby, with an outsized forehead and an unfortunate spray of thin, dishwater hair atop her fontanel. A small bow affixed to a thin ribbon has been placed on her head in an effort to add a feminine accent to Darla, whose large hands and blotchy complexion are well served by its distraction.

The sight of a light crust of snot surrounding one of her nostrils was the impetus for my exit.

Darla: Two out of 10 Binkies.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, December 2006.
Edward Euripides Newsom, Orlando, Florida
Parents Philip and Elizabeth Newsom
Born September 18, 2006

Edward is a puzzle. On the one hand, Edward is a curious baby, whose ability to crawl and grasp objects rivals that of a gecko or a small raccoon. However, having watched him take his afternoon meal, his insistence on squirming and mewling throughout the proceedings resulted in a spittle-streaked tee shirt and a lap full of strained lima beans and macaroni and cheese. I'd add that his choice to evacuate his bowels during his mealtime was immature and lacking in self-control. His lack of self-awareness is almost breathtaking.

Edward also displayed a disorienting array of facial expressions when we met. His square little face first split into a wide grin, balled into a fist of upset, and faded into a heavy-lidded show of boredom before settling into a maniacal leer. Unpleasant all around.

Perhaps in time Edward can mature into the kind of baby his parents could display in public without shame or embarrassment, but then again, perhaps they might want to make another attempt at parenthood while Mrs. Newsom is still young enough to pull it off.

Edward: One out of 10 Binkies.