Cold, wet things.

I went to my building's laundry room to collect my laundry and found that my clothes had been removed from the dryer and were now piled on the concrete floor, wadded into a ball. A woman had used her own washing machine, or a laundromat washer, and had brought the wet clothes to the laundry room and had decided that she had to dry them immediately. In her mind, my clothes were not as important as her laundry, so they had to be shoved aside.

As punishment for this insult, I have replaced her husband with a man who finds her repulsive and who will in time turn elsewhere for affection. He will take up with a younger woman who looks like his current wife did when they first met. Also, she will be blond, while his wife of today has hair the color of a mouse with shitty-colored hair.

I have also replaced her daughters with girls who will grow distant, and who will feel indifferent to her in their teenage years. One will become pregnant to a married ex-convict who works in a carnival and she will move to New Mexico to live in a partially converted school bus just to be close to her baby's father, who will not return her calls.

Her second replacement daughter will actively hate her mother, and six years from now will physically attack her during a holiday argument over the length of time it takes to cook a 12-pound turkey. It will be after this altercation that her daughter will break off all ties to her mother and her former life. She will relocate to Finland, and her mother will never know anything more about her for the rest of her life. Two years after leaving, the daughter will pantomime placing a phone call to her mother on the anniversary of her birth but will hang up the phone before dialing, eliciting gales of laughter from her girlfriends. The mother of one close friend will insist that she call her "Mom."

Moral: DO NOT CROSS ME by taking my shit out of the dryer, and especially DO NOT PILE MY THINGS ON THE FLOOR! Who does that anyway? Animals do that.

Also, I am offering her original family for sale on Craigslist. The asking price is $350 for the lot, but I am also willing to trade for a dryer.

I Dream Like Crazy

I dream like crazy. I dreamt I was with my Dad and my Brother in some terrific mid-century decorated house in Georgia somewhere.  At one point, early in the evening, we were all sitting around a tiny, 1950s TV watching The Louis Armstrong Show. In the dream it was a Jack Benny style sitcom built around Armstrong playing himself.

A little orphaned boy in the show was trying to get a wealthy playboy in town to let him live in his home with him and Louis was trying to let the kid down gently. He knew the rich guy didn't  want anything to do with the kid. He told the boy the rich guy was too busy wooing beautiful women to have a kid in the mix. He was using a weird metaphor, thinking that the truth was too racy to try explain to a child. He said, "That boy (rich guy) was too busy in the garden all day, going from flower to flower, trying to  take care of 'em all for anyone to live with him."

The kid said, "So he's like a bee? Like a bumblebee, Mr. Satchmo?"

Armstrong was leaning back on a sofa, mopping his brow. He answered, "Yeah, kid. Like a big ol' bumblebee."

The audience roared with approval at this non-joke. The show ended with everyone waving as the homeless orphan boy just walked out of view.

Fin de 21

A woman here just asked if her kids could use the coffee shop's dayglo chalk markers to draw on the shop's sandwich sign. She saw that the sign had been brought in from the sidewalk so it seemed like a good time for her to make a weird demand.

Whenever she encountered a little resistance to the idea from the barista, she stood at the counter with her mouth agape, looking around the room and not moving from her spot. Eventually, when it became just the right amount of uncomfortable, the woman behind the counter handed over the chalk markers, and the kids set to writing their names and tracing their sticky hands. By the way, both kids were wearing roller skates when they got here, meaning one kid is aimlessly rolling around on a hardwood floor while the other is now barefoot. Both are coughing like child coal miners in the 1920s.

The week after Christmas is like this. Parents who aren't sure what to do with their kids often wander around making weird requests from shopkeepers and public servants. Another incident from this week that I witnessed was a woman who wanted to take her small daughter behind the scenes at a bakery/cafe to "show her around". At the time the place was as busy as I've ever seen it. The woman behind the counter told her that she was too busy to indulge her. 

The mom persisted, saying, "It'll only take a few minutes!" She looked at the people in line as if we'd all be fine waiting around while her bored kid was toured around like the young Queen of England.

“Baby Reviews for Parents Magazine”

A McSweeney's reject!

I used to write baby reviews for Parents Magazine. It seems like a lifetime ago. They lasted for six months before the letters from the first installments came in and they discontinued the feature. I would travel with a photographer to the homes of families with newborns, and I'd spend some time with the babies, taking notes, observing their behavior, interviewing the parents. Sometimes we'd have to stay in the home for several days before we had enough raw data to create a thorough review. For their cooperation, the parents received gift certificates for Baby Barn and certificates for dinners for two at Beef Barn.

This is one of the earliest entries, nearly fifteen years ago.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, July 2007.
Robbie Donald Miller, Sandusky, Ohio
Parents Lister and Roberta Miller
Born December 11, 2007

If there is anything worse than being presented with a terrible baby, it's being presented with a terrible baby by earnest new parents who have no idea just how awful a child it is they are offering to you.

At first glance, young Robbie seems to be a more than acceptable offering in our baby derby. With a well-shaped head, an acceptable amount of peach fuzz covering his scalp, and the preferred five digits at the ends of each of his four unremarkable limbs, Robbie could easily pass for one of the better infants on the circuit today. It's only upon further examination that we see that there is a lot of room for improvement.

Almost immediately, I see that Robbie's wrists are too thin for his red, rubbery hands. His mouth, asymmetrical and rather lippy for his size, lolls open and drifts closed without reason or intent. Further, his adult-scale ears stand out at a perfect right angle from his skull. All the better to hear his own constant farting and mumbling, I suppose. I stole a quick glance at the father and I instantly realized where little Robbie found his candle wax drip of a chin. His mother isn't blameless, either. His Keane-like pleading eyes, wet in their searching newness, could have come from no one else. The two of them looking at one another as Robbie squirmed in his crib brought to mind a tall ostrich looking down on its own reflection and learning for the first time that it wasn't a swan.

Robbie: Three out of 10 Binkies.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, February 2007.
Darla Moxie Davidson, Portland, Oregon
Parents George Davidson and Linda Rollins-Davidson
Born November 13, 2006

First a word about the onesie. I usually confine my comments to matters behavioral and genetic, but the garish pink and orange of this pilled, fleece costume demands my attention. The Pepto-Bismol meets creamsicle color scheme seemed to have been designed by a psychologist to ensure fitful sleep and lingering night terrors. It brought to mind nothing so much as an infant rodeo clown.

On to the little lady in question. Darla is a large-headed baby, with an outsized forehead and an unfortunate spray of thin, dishwater hair atop her fontanel. A small bow affixed to a thin ribbon has been placed on her head in an effort to add a feminine accent to Darla, whose large hands and blotchy complexion are well served by its distraction.

The sight of a light crust of snot surrounding one of her nostrils was the impetus for my exit.

Darla: Two out of 10 Binkies.

Baby Reviews, Parents Magazine, December 2006.
Edward Euripides Newsom, Orlando, Florida
Parents Philip and Elizabeth Newsom
Born September 18, 2006

Edward is a puzzle. On the one hand, Edward is a curious baby, whose ability to crawl and grasp objects rivals that of a gecko or a small raccoon. However, having watched him take his afternoon meal, his insistence on squirming and mewling throughout the proceedings resulted in a spittle-streaked tee shirt and a lap full of strained lima beans and macaroni and cheese. I'd add that his choice to evacuate his bowels during his mealtime was immature and lacking in self-control. His lack of self-awareness is almost breathtaking.

Edward also displayed a disorienting array of facial expressions when we met. His square little face first split into a wide grin, balled into a fist of upset, and faded into a heavy-lidded show of boredom before settling into a maniacal leer. Unpleasant all around.

Perhaps in time Edward can mature into the kind of baby his parents could display in public without shame or embarrassment, but then again, perhaps they might want to make another attempt at parenthood while Mrs. Newsom is still young enough to pull it off.

Edward: One out of 10 Binkies.

A folder's worth of photoshop bullshit.

 

If you're there, Amy, knock three times...

Cheap, green, and already full of pills, I think my new hoodie has been possessed by the ghost of Amy Winehouse.

 

Coming to Netflix

Movies coming to Netflix in the new year

:

Polecat! Jesper Haggerton, a researcher at the North Pole (Joel McHale) accidentally gets brain frostbite and returns home thinking that it's 1955 and that he's a clarinetist in the Dave Brubeck Quartet. His doctors tell the family that he's got to come out of his delusion on his own and that if anyone tried to wake him back into reality the shock could kill him. The whole town dresses and acts like it's 1955, resulting in everyone falling in love with a simpler time. Amanda Seyfried cameos as his mute girlfriend Miss Bechdel.

Tooth & Nail: The tooth fairy (James Corden) is called out of retirement after his replacement signs an endorsement deal with a candy company bent on rotting out the teeth of every child on earth. The turncoat tooth fairy will be played by some YouTube asshole to be named later. Zooey Deschanel stars as the photograph of the Tooth Fairy's dead wife.

Hip Hop Henderson: a repressed and recently divorced 40-year old accountant (Martin Short and CGI) takes a sabbatical from his job and begins a new life as the world's hottest new rap artist, G-Dust. Will he return to his old life? He will not. Queen Latifah could be his manager and they'll probably fall in love or something.

The Bowling Greenes: Professional bowler "Booger" Green (Seth Rogen) tries to encourage his teenage daughters to continue in the proud family business, but they want nothing to do with it. He gets advice from his bowling ball, voiced by Patton Oswalt! Katey Cuoco cameos as Booger's long-suffering wife.

The Jumping Beanes: An Evel Knievel- like stunt motorcyclist named Herbert Beane (Danny McBride) travels the world and performs with his wife and three children until the day his wife files for divorce and takes the kids with her. In an effort to prove himself to them, he hires a new family, and plans the most spectacular family stunt of them all! Mrs. Beane: Alison Brie. Fake Mrs. Beane: Chloe Grace Moretz

Astro-TERF: From the mind of JK Rowling comes this sci-fi rom-com with a twist! Cast to be vetted for social media content and announced later.

Old Blood: Martin Scorsese's latest gangster epic is a six-hour love letter to Italian American sociopathy telling the story of Big Little Joey Manicotti and his rise to power and fall from grace in the Allentown, PA, mob. Starring Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta, this film has been cobbled together from moments trimmed from the rest of Scorsese's films. Old Mama Manicotti: Natalie Portman

A recent New Yorker cartoon I "improved" (ruined) with a new caption. Thanks goes out for the unwitting collaboration of PC Vey.

 

Highlights from the upcoming Cocaine and Rhinestones podcast, Season 3

 A McSweeney's reject!

    Two years ago many people became captivated by the podcast Cocaine and Rhinestones, and the stories of the early days of 20th Century Country Music. The show became a runaway hit and its faithful listening audience eagerly awaits the upcoming third season. These preview highlights might make the wait a little easier.

    “...but Miss Willa's career never recovered from the furor that erupted from reports that in 1956, just prior to recording her third LP release “Miss Willa's Jamboree”, she had been seen on a train near Orville, California, brazenly reading a book in public.” From Episode 1, “Miss Willa Jay”

    “Opry favorites Pastor Welles and Sister Nancy opened Nancyland in the spring of 1973, taking advantage of the tax breaks in Florida given to entrepreneurs willing to build on protected wetlands. The ever-present haze of mosquitoes couldn't keep the visitors away from rides and attractions like Jonah's Tribulations, Walkin' on the Water, and the Pony Sling- an attraction which consisted of four live ponies hanging from cables that children could ride while attendants dangled them over a man-made pond. A choir of blind children stationed nearby sang 'Nearer My God to Thee.' In its first six months, Nancyland made over $35 million dollars, draining the local economy and shuttering the schools and libraries in Miller County forever.” From Episode 2, “Pastor Welles and Nancy”

    “No one woman ever seemed to be enough for Honky Tonk star Jimmy Ray Lee, so he began to marry them two or three at a time. Over the next few years and as his tolerance grew, Jimmy Ray would have to marry as many as a half dozen women a week, many of them more than once. The domestic bliss he experienced in the first few days of a marriage delivered a shot of dopamine to which he became completely, hopelessly addicted. This lifestyle had to catch up with him sooner than later, as it did on one hot, fateful night in August of 1981 in Downey, Kentucky. After a two-night triumph at the Downey Remembrance Gardens, Jimmy was proposing to a hat check girl when he was shot dead by sixteen angry husbands, over the tearful protests of their 20 wives.” From Episode 3, “Jimmy Ray Lee”

    “Ricky Ray Randolph used to teach cardiac surgery and perform medical stunts at Dander Holler University in Plumroot, West Virginia. A gifted surgeon, Ricky had over sixty successful cardiac procedures under his belt when one day a man named Colonel Clyde Chester wandered into the operating theater looking for new talent. Amazed by what he witnessed there, Chester offered Ricky Ray a recording contract with his own label, Bar-B-Q Records. Ricky Jay walked out of the hospital in the middle of an operation, bought a guitar, and signed up for singing lessons. In less than three months, the newly christened 'Swingin' Dr. Ricky' was topping the regional charts with his hit 'Angel Sweet Baby (Angel's Song)', and soon after with 'Army Baby Gone to War.'” From Episode 4, “Ricky Ray Randolph”

    “Enter one Carlotta Stone, who, by the age of eleven in 1955, had already played 500 nights of shows in honky-tonks, churches, pool halls, and county fairs. By her sixteenth birthday, she had topped every country and popular music charts over a dozen times with hits like “Henrietta Hen Laid a Dozen Eggs Agin”, and “Mama's Good Church Coat”. She had starred in two hit motion pictures, “Good, Clean Fun” (1960), and “Russkie Go Home!” (1960). Her name and face had been used in endorsements for everything from lipstick to Saran Wrap, from transistor radios to asbestos baby pajamas. Her father and longtime manager Tall Tom Lovett had Carlotta involuntarily committed in late '66 while in the middle of a lawsuit she had filed against him over missing royalties, claiming that she had shown signs of “female medical hysterics”. She was released after a simple outpatient lobotomy but chose never to return to Nashville.” From Episode 5, “Carlotta Jay Stone”

    “...Well, that's how Bucky Roberts died, but what happened to the rest of the Hootineers? Well, the most of them met their fate one night after a show in Lubbock, Texas, havin' a hand fight over a piece of whiskey. Good night!” From Episode 6, “Bucky Jay Roberts and the Hootineers”

Woodsman 101

A writing exercise from the cold storage files.

“Easy does it!”

He held the butterfly up to the fluorescent lamp again. Woodsman knew that this was a dying art and that in another 20 years no one would bother with it at all, but he was determined not to have this knowledge die with him. That’s why he was here, indoors on a beautiful Saturday morning, teaching at the Learning Annex, telling a group of 3 teenagers how to sex butterflies.

“You see that there? That spot right there?” he asked. “Yes,” everyone lied. Woodsman adjusted his glasses and rocked back in his chair. “That’s the yoo-hoo. This one’s a lady.” There was a pause. The 3 students realized that Woodsman was waiting for them to take notes. They each pulled a page of paper from Woodsman’s own notebook and took turns with the lone pen in the room. “This one here’s a dude,” Woodsman offered once the scratching of the ballpoint was finished.

“Lemme see it”, asked the biggest and lumpiest of the academics gathered.

“Look at your own later. This one’s for teachers only,” came the reply.

Woodsman carefully put the butterfly back into the Tupperware container he’d brought with him. He absent-mindedly closed one of its wings into the lid before placing it back in the makeshift carryall he’d fashioned from an empty case of Old Grand-dad.

“That’s pretty much it. There’s only 2 kinds: boys and girls, and that’s basically all you need to know, so class over”, Woodsman said as he pulled a faded red hoodie over his bearlike frame.

“That’s it? It’s only 9:15?! We just got here!” said the smallest student with the dirty-lip mustache.

“Learning is about quality, not quantity”, Woodsman answered. “That’s lesson number one right there. I should have opened with that one, but it’s still important. Good question!”

He gathered up his Grand-dad box and his briefcase. The contents of the briefcase were a mystery to Woodsman, since he’d lost the key to its lock six years earlier. He couldn’t remember what was inside, but it was perfectly reasonable to assume that it was something important, so why not bring it to class today? He balanced it on his knee and switched his Mountain Dew to his other hand.

Point of purchase display slogans for Starbucks for 2029

Cookie-shot your double-up for just $4.99!

Lunch? Have you tried the Starbucks rubbed curly? Three different mouth shouts at participating glass coolers. Don't forget to up your grub with an antibacterial curly rub! Clean with coupon 6!

Barbecue your own coco-listic physical liquid at one of several standing grills in a friendly part of town! S'mores are no problem, basically. Have something with pure corn syrup and bulk up for winter mode! Starbucks!

Everybaby swears for fruit cut into a  shape! For $9.00 you can get that baby feel! Find out for those $9.00!

Cleanliness is a watch for us and so will you with food claimed by doctors! Is a cop? Count on it! Flavor is guaranteed!