A McSweeney's reject!
I
used to write baby reviews for Parents Magazine. It seems like a
lifetime ago. They lasted for six months before the letters from the
first installments came in and they discontinued the feature. I would
travel with a photographer to the homes of families with newborns, and
I'd spend some time with the babies, taking notes, observing their behavior, interviewing the parents.
Sometimes we'd have to stay in the home for several days before we
had enough raw data to create a thorough review. For their
cooperation, the parents received gift certificates for Baby Barn and
certificates for dinners for two at Beef Barn.
This
is one of the earliest entries, nearly fifteen years ago.
Baby
Reviews, Parents Magazine, July 2007.
Robbie
Donald Miller, Sandusky, Ohio
Parents
Lister and Roberta Miller
Born
December 11, 2007
If
there is anything worse than being presented with a terrible baby,
it's being presented with a terrible baby by earnest new parents who
have no idea just how awful a child it is they are offering to you.
At
first glance, young Robbie seems to be a more than acceptable
offering in our baby derby. With a well-shaped head, an acceptable
amount of peach fuzz covering his scalp, and the preferred five
digits at the ends of each of his four unremarkable limbs, Robbie
could easily pass for one of the better infants on the circuit today.
It's only upon further examination that we see that there is a lot of
room for improvement.
Almost
immediately, I see that Robbie's wrists are too thin for his red,
rubbery hands. His mouth, asymmetrical and rather lippy for his size,
lolls open and drifts closed without reason or intent. Further, his
adult-scale ears stand out at a perfect right angle from his skull.
All the better to hear his own constant farting and mumbling, I
suppose. I stole a quick glance at the father and I instantly
realized where little Robbie found his candle wax drip of a chin. His
mother isn't blameless, either. His Keane-like pleading eyes, wet in
their searching newness, could have come from no one else. The two of
them looking at one another as Robbie squirmed in his crib brought to
mind a tall ostrich looking down on its own reflection and learning
for the first time that it wasn't a swan.
Robbie:
Three out of 10 Binkies.
Baby
Reviews, Parents Magazine, February 2007.
Darla
Moxie Davidson, Portland, Oregon
Parents
George Davidson and Linda Rollins-Davidson
Born
November 13, 2006
First
a word about the onesie. I usually confine my comments to matters
behavioral and genetic, but the garish pink and orange of this
pilled, fleece costume demands my attention. The Pepto-Bismol meets
creamsicle color scheme seemed to have been designed by a
psychologist to ensure fitful sleep and lingering night terrors. It
brought to mind nothing so much as an infant rodeo clown.
On
to the little lady in question. Darla is a large-headed baby, with an
outsized forehead and an unfortunate spray of thin, dishwater hair
atop her fontanel.
A small bow affixed to a thin ribbon has been placed on her head in an effort
to add a feminine accent to Darla, whose large hands and blotchy
complexion are well served by its distraction.
The
sight of a light crust of snot surrounding one of her nostrils was
the impetus for my exit.
Darla: Two out of 10 Binkies.
Baby
Reviews, Parents Magazine, December 2006.
Edward
Euripides Newsom, Orlando, Florida
Parents
Philip and Elizabeth Newsom
Born
September 18, 2006
Edward
is a puzzle. On the one hand, Edward is a curious baby, whose ability
to crawl and grasp objects rivals that of a gecko or a small raccoon.
However, having watched him take his afternoon meal, his insistence
on squirming and mewling throughout the proceedings resulted in a
spittle-streaked tee shirt and a lap full of strained lima beans and
macaroni and cheese. I'd add that his choice to evacuate his bowels during his mealtime was immature and lacking in self-control. His lack of self-awareness is almost breathtaking.
Edward
also displayed a disorienting array of facial expressions when we
met. His square little face first split into a wide grin, balled into
a fist of upset, and faded into a heavy-lidded show of boredom before
settling into a maniacal leer. Unpleasant all around.
Perhaps
in time Edward can mature into the kind of baby his parents could
display in public without shame or embarrassment, but then again,
perhaps they might want to make another attempt at parenthood while
Mrs. Newsom is still young enough to pull it off.
Edward:
One out of 10 Binkies.